“Say their name”: Coping strategies for grief during the holidays

LEXINGTON, Ky. (WTVQ) – Grief is a complicated emotion and can really take a toll on people during what’s said to be ‘the most wonderful time of the year’.

“This is a time of year where the society expectations are that we’re supposed to be happy all the time and everything’s wonderful and everything’s beautiful, and it’s not,” says Sheryl Woolverton, a grief counselor with Access Wellness Group.

Over the past year and a half, many people have experienced the death of a loved one not just by natural cause, suicide or homicide, but also by COVID. Woolverton says though grief comes in waves, it’s often amplified around the holidays with many families having special traditions where the missing loved one is more obvious.

“Realizing you don’t need to do everything and that it’s OK if there’s things you don’t feel like doing,” says Woolverton about how to navigate holiday traditions. “Really just listen to your needs.”

Julie Cerel, a social work professor at the University of Kentucky, says beyond sadness, grief can look like anger, shame or even guilt. She says while these feelings can be felt by anyone grieving, it’s often felt by those who lost a loved one to suicide or COVID. In instances like that, she says family and friends don’t know how to talk to the people closest to the person who passed, and talking about it at all is usually avoided.

“People don’t bring them casseroles, people don’t want to talk about their loved one,” says Cerel. “At the most extreme we’ve heard, people say ‘people cross the street to avoid talking to me because they didn’t want to talk about my loved one’.”

Talking about death is uncomfortable, but Cerel says helpful with processing through complicated emotions around this time of year.

“If you know someone is grieving to ask them about the person they lost,” says Cerel. “Say their name. Don’t be afraid to say it, regardless of how they died.”

For those experiencing grief, Woolverton says anticipate and have a plan for the days that will hit harder. She says she recommends the ABC’s of grief to her clients.

• A – anticipate what might be difficult and take action
• B – balance everything out
• C – communicate with those around you when you’re hurting
• D – delete the ‘should’s
• E – every day take care of yourself

“I think that’s the hardest thing for grieving people. They need to educate those around them when they’re hurting and they don’t really have that energy,” says Woolverton. “But I often tell people, they don’t know what you’re going through.”

If you or a loved one is struggling with suicidal thoughts, the National Suicide Prevention line is available to call 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255 or you can text the crisis line at 741-741.

To talk with a counselor about your grief, you can call (859)309-0309 or visit the Access Wellness Group website HERE. If you’ve lost a loved one to COVID, THIS LINK will take you to a comment-free platform where you can share your loved one’s story without fear of judgement.