Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

John:                     Hi Elsa.

Elsa:                       Hi. So February is considered the month of love and romance but in the age of online dating finding a soulmate has never been harder. My next guest believes that the key to a successful relationship comes down to eight important topics. Joining me now is John Gottman, co-author of, Eight dates essential conversations for lifetime of love. Welcome.

John:                     Thank you Elsa.

Elsa:                       Happy to have you hear. So, you have become famous for your ability to predict with 90% accuracy if a couple will get a divorce. How is that possible?

John:                     Well, you know, it turns out that we really select people to have a relationship with who are really very different from us. We’re not looking for our clone but then some couples make the mistake of then trying to turn that person into us. You know, we point our finger at them and say, “You know, here’s what’s wrong with you and you need to be more like me”, and then the relationship kind of devolves into an infinite cycle of criticism and that what allows us to predict with such high accuracy.

Elsa:                       Interesting. So what is the most important thing that a couple can do to have a happy and healthy marriage?

John:                     Well they really have to accept their differences and they have to learn how to enrich the relationship with those differences. So we wrote this book so that people go on these romantic dates but not leave it to chance. So we designed questions that would open the heart and rekindle curiosity in one another.

A study in Los Angeles, for example, found that dual career couples talk to each other an average of only 35 minutes a week and most of their conversations … excuse me, were about errands. Who’s gonna do what, when.

So they weren’t really connecting. They were ignoring the relationship and so we designed these eight dates and had 300 couples go out on these dates so we could fine tune them so that these dates were fun, and interesting and really got people to connect with one another.

Elsa:                       And you’re saying it’s important that once you’re with your spouse, that you go on weekly dates right?

John:                     Right. Exactly.

Elsa:                       And so how can, when you’re dating, how can the eight dates help you know if the person that you’re dating is actually the one?

John:                     Well you know, most people say that, you know, dating is really a very tense experience, it’s kind of phony, you know, you don’t really get to know that person and the conversations are superficial, maybe there’s too much alcohol involved. Well here we supply questions that kind of open the heart, open the mind, you know, ask them questions like, well what is adventure like for you, what is fun and play like for you, what do you need in love making, what does money mean to you, what’s enough money, why are you earning money, what does your job mean to you, what does it mean when you trust somebody, what do you need to be trusting, what were your parent’s relationship like, and all these questions kind open the mind and heart and get people to really know who they’re dating.

Elsa:                       So if you could give one piece of advice for all couples, universally, what would that be?

John:                     I think it’s not ignore the relationship and go on these eight dates, you know, read the questions, get ready and have the date and then you will find out who it is that you’re with.

Elsa:                       John, really important information, how do we get our hands on this book?

John:                     Well Amazon.com or any independent bookstore will have this book available.

Elsa:                       All right. John Gottman, thank you so much for being here. Really appreciate it and we’ll be right back with more Midday Maryland right after this.

John:                     Thank you Elsa.